Love and Loss

Friendship After A Break-up

2008-01-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

What is it about couples who try to remain friends after a painful breakup? You would think that after the pain of breaking up a relationship would motivate you to stay as far away as possible from your ex lover. Granted, some relationships end amicably and the couple do maintain a civil method of communication more for their families and children's sake than anything else. Some relationships die a natural death, and both parties cannot wait to get away from each other; as was the case with one of my relationships many years ago.

If there's one thing I've noticed since I've become involved with my work helping people with their marriage and relationship troubles; the couples who suffer through a terrible and painful break up want to hang onto the friendship. Is this you? Do you wish you could at least keep your friendship alive with your lost lover, I know I did a few years back. In-fact I would have moved heaven and earth to keep this man and make him happy. I bought many relationship E-books and set a plan into action to regain his friendship and hopefully his love. Did it work? Yes, to a point. But in the end I decided that I was better off without him. But, this is another story and I could probably write a book about it.

Salvaging a friendship from the broken remains, that was once a loving relationship depends a lot on whether you did the dumping or if you were the one dumped. There are no hard and fast rules here, however if you are the one that did the dumping, then you are more likely to benefit greatly from a continued friendship. This could be at the expense of your dumped ex lover. Sometimes the dumper will request a friendship simply because they cannot stand the guilt of seeing their former lover in so much pain, pain that they believe they have caused.

Guilt can be a big motivator in deciding whether or not the dumper will reach out and soften the blow of a break up by offering the hand of friendship. The dumper may have doubts about their decision to end the relationship, so friendship is a way of hanging on to see if this is the case. For the person left behind, this scenario can actually work in their favour if they are hoping for reconciliation. Simple loneliness is a strong motivator for both parties to request friendship, it is difficult to become accustomed to living without your partner, when you have been together in a loving relationship for a period of time. The dumper may also assume that friendship may include fringe benefits like being able to borrow money, have sex with their ex partner, or borrow the car perhaps. It is imperative that the dumpee be aware that they may be taken advantage of and used, therefore it is probably best to keep a safe distance if your ex is asking for small favours all the time.

If the dumpee is hoping the re-kindle the love and get their ex back, then keeping a safe distance is a good strategy because people want what they cannot have, and human nature may see the dumper come running back to the relationship. For the dumpee, never have sex with an ex. There are so many reasons why this is a no no. Your self esteem will be shattered when they announce that you two are not getting back together. From the dumpee's point of view it is not beneficial for them to pursue a friendship, unless you have children with your lost lover. Keeping a civil and friendly attitude is so vitally important to kids. They need their parents to be friends and it sets a great example for your children later on in life.

Many people request friendship simply because they have not totally let go of their lover and the relationship and this goes both ways for the dumper and the dumpee. It could be that both of you are scared of the unknown and facing the big, bad world out there alone. It is usually the person who was dumped that feels this fear more, as the one ending the relationship wants what they want, and they are probably willing to face their fear. There is also the case of the ex lover who will request friendship simply to not have to be the bad guy, it is actually an act of self gratification. This example is not about guilt at all. The dumper will request the friendship because it makes them feel better about their decision and even worse some without even realizing it will keep the dumpee hanging on and pining after them because it feels good to them that their ex still yearns for their love. These actions are usually not conscious, however sometimes I believe they are; I am only too aware of one man who did this to me a few years ago. It felt so good to him that I was making him nice dinners, providing sexual favours and begging him to return. How stupid was I? And how great did he feel? Fantastic, I bet! I have no doubt in my mind that some dumpers realize only too well the pain they have caused, and the power they have over that person. This type of scenario makes me sick to my stomach.

Amongst the huge myriad of reasons why people choose to stay friends with their ex, and the reasons not to, you would think many of us would choose to just move on. Unless you have children then that's what I believe couples should try and do. Trying to be friends immediately after a painful break up is just too hard. Why make life harder than it has to be at a time like this. You really should be focusing on moving forward with your life, and looking to the future. Attempting a friendship is probably doing you and your ex lover more harm than good. You probably do not realize how painful it is to be friends in this situation, especially for the one who has been dumped, and especially if that person is living in hope of reconciliation. It is definitely not a wise idea to do anything to give your former partner any false hope; that would be cruel.

Many people think it is okay to keep seeing each other, and keep having sex, it's not, and someone always gets hurt. Sexual intercourse together is over once the relationship is finished. Sex should only be given freely in a committed relationship. Some of you may argue that casual sex is okay. That's your opinion and you're entitled to it, but I do not believe in casual sex. If you are the dumper in this scenario, then I urge you to watch yourself and your ex love closely. Be kind to your former lover, but do not send signals of false hope to them. Be straight-forward and upfront about your feelings at all times. Be clear about where your friendship stands. He or she could well be hoping that you will realize the love you share and want them back.

In my opinion and this is only my opinion as all my articles are; friendship right after a break up, especially a painful one cannot work. Someone always gets hurt, usually the person who was dumped, and they usually end up more hurt than when you broke up with them. As for the dumper this experience can be just a hurtful for them, as they may genuinely want this friendship to succeed and may be hurt and disappointed that it is not going to work. There is also absolutely no reason why friendship between the two of you cannot happen down a road, once the wounds have healed.

Copyright 2007,
Janelle Coulton

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Tips to Win Your Ex Back

2008-01-27T03:07:00.000-08:00

You and your partner had a love that was unique. At times, when you were in each other’s arms, you had never been happier in your life, than those special times. But, there were always those tough times, when you quarrelled and argued, and it seemed you may never get back to those happier times. Then one day your relationship fell apart, due to the stress of the bad times and the resentment that tends to build in relationships when arguments are not resolved. Do you also feel that you and your partner were right for each other, that he or she was your soul-mate and all you needed was to learn how to create and sustain a happy, loving and tender relationship?Below are a few suggestions on things you can try to get back together with your lost soul-mate.

1. If you are toying with the idea of reconciliation with your lost love, you need to clear your dating calendar with other people. Many relationship experts have said the exact opposite in regard to this topic, however I believe that if your ex is aware that your energy is focussed on dating others, then your chances of re-kindling the love are slim. This will also affect your energy and you will lack the energy needed to commit to your ex-lover. For love to thrive and grow with your ex you need to be fully committed to it working, with all of your heart.

2. When we really want our love back, we are willing to sell our souls to regain their love and affection. Perhaps we let it all go when they treat us badly. We maybe frightened of a confrontation with our ex-love, and scared that, that confrontation may motivate them to move away from us. We may also hide elements of our personality that we believe our ex-love would not like, for the same reasons as above; fear. Fear is not going to get us very far. If you cannot feel the fear and be yourself when with your lover, then you should not be with this person. We all deserve to be loved for who we are and not what people expect of us. If you are true to yourself then you will earn more respect and love this way. Never try to be someone other than who you really are. Never try to please someone by saying what they wish to hear and hold your head up high and be proud of the beautiful person that you are: you will increase your chances of a successful reunion with your ex-love.

3. Everyday when you wake up or before you go to sleep at night, make an affirmation to yourself about something that you love about your partner. For example, that you love their smile, their strong arms, their sweet kisses. You get the idea. Recognize the positive traits in your partner for what they are: these are the reasons you chose to be with your partner, and also why you love your partner. It is so very important to accentuate the positive and celebrate your love. It’s very easy to focus on your problems and the negative issues that your share. What it is that you don’t like about your partner? Sadly that question is very easy to answer and this is because society has trained us to focus on the negative. It would be better if you tried to switch off the negative thoughts and focus on what you love about your partner instead. Not only that, show that appreciation you feel in your heart to your partner, in as many ways as you can think of. Feeling appreciated is so very important to every human being.

4. Is your relationship ending because you or your partner feel taken for granted? Have you broken up, and then gotten back together a few times? Things are great for the first few weeks and then the excitement of re-kindling the relationship tend to go stale and you basically feel taken for granted. One idea to spice things up and make your relationship work is do different things together. You could start a project together; something that you both enjoy doing, like designing a beautiful garden or taking a class together. Join some groups of people who share mutual interests. You maybe lovers of animals, you both volunteer together at an animal shelter or volunteer to walk somebody’s dog, if you do not have your own dog. If you don’t go out much; why not try dating each other? A nice lunch or dinner once every two weeks would help keep those sparks flying. These ideas are to shake your relationship out of the doldrems and bring the excitement and anticipation back that has been missing.

5. Life is full of circumstances that we create and build as we go along. Most of what happens in our live is through our own action and decisions. Granted there are the unexpected nasties that come along to really throw a spanner in the works. Fate; well I don’t know if I would call it fate; some folks might. There are some occurrences in our lives that cannot be controlled. It is the tricky situations that come about in life and how we deal with these situations that design who we are. Couples are at their happiest when they recognise this fact and take their “fate” into their own hands. In other words, if you want to have that kind of power over your life, you and your partner need to believe in the power we have as individuals. Give yourself some time to think about what you really want for yourself. Create a picture in your mind of what your hopes and dreams are for your life and encourage your ex to do the same. The act of creation and visualisation is a very sexy and inspirational thing to do, and your design session with your ex could turn into a very romantic time. Being pro-active in making ourselves happy is what I mean by this and when we are pro-active in our quest for our own happiness, our ex-love will follow in kind.

If you have decided that your ex-love is the person you want to be with, you will be more successful if you focus on who you really are and making sure that there are no influences in your energy. One mistake I have made my whole life is to complain to my friends and family. Big mistake; your friends and family will be biased in their opinions, therefore it is better for you to seek independent advice from someone who does not have a personal and emotional connection to you. When you get together with your ex-love, it is important to try and push the envelope; by doing different things. Appreciate each other, and be proactive in planning your future life together.

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Pleading with your Ex to Return

2008-01-19T01:11:00.001-08:00

This is probably one of the most common mistakes that we tend to make during a break-up is to plead with our lover not to leave us.

To most of us, this action seems so natural and the right thing to do. We also believe that this will attract our lover to return to us. Because we are not thinking clearly, given that we have a broken heart, we may assume that our lover will be flattered by our attention and want to re-kindle the relationship. Unfortunately this is not the case.

Pleading and nagging your former lover to return will in-fact drive them further away from you. So you are making an already bad situation much, much worse. Telling them that you will change will not work either, as they will not believe it. Actions speak louder than words. Your ex lover may not want you to change. Their reasons for breaking up with you could be more about them, than it is about you. In most break ups, this is generally the case. This person is not deliberately trying to hurt you. In most break ups, the person leaving is looking for a happier, more positive and peaceful existence and they want their lives to improve. So this is more about them than it is about you. As hard as it is, a break up is usually not personal, even though it feels as though it is.

Arguing with your ex-partner and telling them that they are wrong to leave the relationship or using guilt to get them to stay are not going to help you. You would not want someone to stay with your out of guilt. You deserve someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you.

If you find that you are having trouble communicating with your ex, without raising the issue of them returning to the relationship, then you simply must end contact with them. This will certainly not aid you in the process of winning back your lover if that is what you wish to achieve here. You need to back off, respect their decision and give them and yourself some space.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

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3 Things Not to Do if Your Relationship is in Trouble

2008-01-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

Recently I wrote an article about Ultimatums and how they have no place in a relationship, whilst writing this article I was inspired to write a few short lines about things we should try not to do if our relationship is at breaking point. I hope that following three ideas help:

1. Avoid ultimatums, if you feel that your relationship is close to breaking point. This is manipulative and is a deliberate attempt to control your partner. Backing someone into a corner and forcing a decision is really not the way you would want your relationship to flow. You really don’t want someone who has to be given an ultimatum, especially when it comes to whether they leave the relationship or stay (having said that, I will say that there are times when ultimatums are a good thing).And there is an article dedicated to the other side of ultimatums on my site.

2. Do not play the blame game. Blaming your partner for the trouble in your relationship is not constructive and will not assist you in solving your problems. It takes two people to have a relationship and ultimately break one up, so try to be positive in your attempt to resolve issues.

3. Do not allow your lives to become separate. Don’t go off and do your thing, while they do theirs. This will only push you further apart. Try and do things together that will encourage closeness and laughter, if possible.

Tough times in a relationship and trying to resolve difficult issues can be extremly overwhelming and hard however at the other end of the spectrum you will build trust and a stronger relationship. If you truly love your partner, you will have an excellent chance of being able to get through these tough times.

Copyright ©2007, Janelle Coulton

Why Do Women Love the Bad Boys?

2008-01-12T03:44:00.000-08:00

A good friend asked me this the other day, and I was at a loss to comment. For me personally, I had to tell my friend that I like nice guys and that I was not attracted to the bad boys in any way shape or form.

Anyway later that day I got to thinking, and I realised that this was not the case with many of my friends. A few of them had been involved with one bad boy after the next and each time getting extremely hurt. It also made me wonder why they did not learn from their mistakes and break the pattern of attraction to these rat bag men. Many of these men were controlling and acted like spoilt children, needing to have their own way and issuing ultimatums to their women. Sadly one of my friends was deeply scarred by an experience with an extremely bad man.

However, lets get back to my friend. He is what I would call a gentleman with old fashioned values, and treats a lady well. He will open the car door for you and will even bring the lady flowers on the first date. He is disappointed because there are never very many second dates.
Is he trying to hard? What do you guys out there think? And the ladies, would you put off by this type of treatment? When I spoke to him today, he informed me that he felt like a total loser in the dating and relationship game and that all the nice women preferred the bad boys.

I don't doubt that things may seem this way. But surely there must be women out there who would appreciate a man such as this. I know I would.

Copyright © 2007 Janelle Coulton

LONG DISTANCE LOVE - Does it work?

2007-12-08T02:50:00.000-08:00

For some it does and for many other couples it does not work out.

Love from a distance is hard work. Harder than if you are in the same city and can see each other face to face on a regular basis. You are reliant on communication via telephone and the written word. However, there is one part of the communication process missing here; Body Language. Body Language makes up eighty percent of the communication process. The remaining twenty percent is listening and speaking. Couples need to be prepared to stay in close contact with each other and be willing to discuss everything. They also need to focus on keeping the romance alive, and there are times where both partners will need reassurance from their significant other that the love is still strong. This is where it is so important to keep exchanging loving words and caring deeds with each other.

The other important necessity in any long distant relationship is plans to see each other and plans to the future. These things need to be discussed and organised ahead of time, so that both people in the relationship have their time together to look forward to. Solid plans and a commitment to unite in the one area need to be put in place, otherwise the relationship will feel as though there is no direction and both partners will feel as though the relationship is heading nowhere.

If these things do not happen between a long distance couple, all sorts of problems will tear it all apart. Insecurity, distrust, resentment and many other destructive emotions will begin to creep into the relationship and it won’t be long before the couple will head their separate ways.

I write from experience here, as this was what happened to me some three years ago. Sadly, as was in my case, one person in the relationship will be trying very hard to keep it all together, and the other will go along for the ride, not aware that their passive attitude will destroy their happiness. In my situation he realised he was extremely unhappy, his unhappiness was really his own fault, as I had begun taking better care of me, and slowly freezing him out. He was unable in the end to share his feelings with me, even though he was given several golden opportunities. He left me, without a reason, just that he was not happy. My reaction was to freeze him out, I did not contact him for many weeks until finally he came running after me. He chased me for a few months, until finally realising that I was not going to take a chance on him again.

Anyone out there who is reading this, take note of my words. Protect and nurture your long distant relationship, don’t let it die like mine did. It will not be the distance that kills your relationship, it will be the fact that you are not taking enough care of your union and making sure that your partner is happy and secure. This is so important, when you are so far away.

My new man was long distance, we now live together. This man called me everyday. It was almost a competition to see who could call each other first. This relationship is successful because we take care of each other first and foremost.

Copyright 2007 Janelle Coulton

.......................................................................................
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Your Life - A Potent 4-Step Strategy!" will end your loneliness
and ensure happiness.
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What I will Lose, If I Choose Not to Love Again

2006-06-07T03:58:00.000-07:00

What I will Lose, if I Choose not to Love Again

I have met people who have sworn off love. Their motto is "no more heartbreak for me, I am fine alone, and I will never get hurt again." Well that may be fine for a while, but do we really want to avoid love forever and be alone for the rest of our lives?

I am a true believer in self love and living my life fully in the present, with or without a partner. But to reject the possibility of falling in love, or deciding not to love because I expect to get hurt, or avoiding connection with another in order to avoid pain. Well not me.

I have lost many things in life. My mother, my daughter (at one stage), loving relationships, my marriage and friends. This list could go on and on. However loving these special people that came into my life and then susequently losing them, has taught me how to love more deeply. I have learnt how to love more completely and unconditionally with fewer expectations. The life I have now and the woman I am today is mostly due to my losses and the way I moved through them. In spite of what I have lost, I am ready, willing, eager, and able to love again.

I have seen what people lose when they are too afraid to love. These people don't come right out and say they will never fall in love again, but I can read it in their words and actions. These are the people who will not date until they are ready. People who set rigid and unrealistic standards for potential partners. People who live such hectic lives and are just soooo busy, that they cannot find time to meet potential partners. People who have been betrayed, hurt or rejected and cannot get past the pain. People who don't trust themselves not to make the same mistakes over and over. People who believe they can control their life in order to protect themselves from loss. This is not control of one's life, this is fear controlling us.

These people live by expectations rather than an intention and these people also will not speak up about what their expectations are. This is fear running their lives, they are afraid to ask for what they need. Most of their waking hours are spent in 'protect' mode, as they nervously wait for someone the cross their boundaries, disappoint them, leave them, or not love them enough. They expect their loved ones to be predictable, their job to be the same, and their friends/lovers to remain unchangeable. These people expect to get hurt and the sad part is they usually do.

When we live with expectations like these, we suffer great losses even if we don't realise it. We lose new opportunities. We lose our sense of wonder and anticipation. We lose potential relationships. We lose our peace of mind. We lose trust in ourselves. We lose hope. We lose faith in other people. We lose optimism for the future. Inside the void left from these losses, fear creeps into our hearts and minds - our fear of being alone, unloved, disconnected, and dead inside. In trying to avoid loss, we lose more. We need to accept loss as a fact of life and move on through it. I know; this is easier said than done.

Perhaps you are afraid to reach out because no-one ever hugged you or dried you tears when you cried. Perhaps no-one ever loved you unconditionally. It could be that every relationship you have been in, has left you with a broken heart. We all fear losing love; it is only natural. Therefore my challenge is to recognise when my fear is so overwhelming that it is preventing me from loving again and to not allow my fear to stop me from finding real love. I know when fear is activated within me, I am in 'protect' mode, and I am not being authentic and true to myself, this in turn makes me angry at myself, because I know full well what I'm doing. Now I am learning to let go of the fear and move forward.

To read more about finding true love, letting go of fear and bringing back a lost love go to
Cucan Pemo's site

Copyright 2006, Janelle Coulton

For more information and articles, visit my websites:

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